claire

a disclosure

Home and heart

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Have you ever felt like - You belong to a place, but you don’t exactly know where? You’re heart belongs somewhere but you don’t exactly know with whom? It’s only when you get there, you will know where and only when you are with that someone, you will know who. I guess I will be finding that out soon! 

Home is where the heart is, so they say. I’m going home next week, for a few days, God willing. Lately, I’ve come to realize that I never gave enough time for my family. Being away from home has made me realize the many things I took for granted. This time, I’m excited, and scared!

My aunt with my youngest niece
Excited – because I will get to see the whole family, God I miss them so much! I miss all of them, including my aunt and uncle residing next to us. Cousin Kima once told me it’s a sign of getting old when you learn to understand the importance of family. I guess I’m getting old. I feel the need to be at home, just to be there for whoever needs me!  My aunt (dad’s sis) is not well. In fact, she has not been well all her life. She doesn’t know how to take care of herself. She stays with my uncle (dad’s elder brother), who is now old and weak. While at home, I used to bathe her when I get the time. Mom called me up the other day, she said my two sisters-in-law bathed her (which was so kind of them), and seems she kept enquiring about me. After hanging up, I just cried! And dad, dear old dad, once upon a time, I used to wash his feet, trying out all sorts of pedicures. He always loved it. But my busy schedule made me stop; it’s been 4 years since I have done that for him. Mom, she’s the strongest of all the women I’ve known. She handles her disease so bravely, that it gives me the courage to face the incomparable small obstacles that I’m facing. My brothers, I’ve been bestowed with their unfailing love and support. They have been literally running around for me ever since my stay here in Guwahati. They’ve been busy paying my phone bills, my road tax, my internet bills, and delivering my experimental stuffs that has to be sent from Mizoram every once in a while. Before, whenever someone finds out that I’m the only sister in the family, that too, the youngest, the first comment would always be “How lucky of you, you must be pampered a lot!” I never liked the word “pamper”. So in my defense I would always reply that I’m just like one of the brothers. Now, if anyone makes that comment again, I would proudly smile and say “Yes, I am pampered because my five brothers love me so much………” Friends, yes, my wonderful friends, there’s so many things to catch up that I don’t think my few days will be enough. One of my best buddy, my Kungfu Panda has promised me Lunch at 'Pemarin Corner', because he’s single and lonely (Bwahahahaha..jk). But on one condition that I should not get hitched before the great lunch, so I am trying my best to not get hitched ;-). I can’t wait to see my nieces and nephew - they are my noisy disturbers, my make-up attackers, my high heel destroyers, my nemesis, my sunshine, my world, my life. And Prissy, my soul sister (technically my niece) will be bringing lots of goodies for me (I hope) from her 3 months stay in London. I know she will. :-)

Scared – mainly because when I get to look at my folks, they would have aged more since the last time I saw them, which always saddens me. And the few days will pass by so fast that I’d probably be singing  one more day from the beginning of my stay. And this time, I guess I’ll come to realize if it’s worth giving a shot to find out some of the things I need to find out! I may have to lose a friend or two, or may have to gain new ones. There are chances in life when you encounter someone you’re so compatible with, that you find it hard to let them go when you have to, or maybe not necessarily let them go, but let go of the things which was once fun and exciting. But someone once told me that a true soul will always stick with you no matter what and they will pass the test of time. In life, we win some, we lose some, and reality bites sometimes.

So, Home, here I come, to find out where my Heart belongs!







That awkward moment when...

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your supervisor comes up with a continuous not-so-funny joke, and you have to pretend like you’re laughing really hard at every pause he makes

you have to conduct a prayer service at an ex’s house, with his wedding pictures hanging all over the wall right behind where you stand

you text while walking, and you bump on to a pillar

your boyfriend introduces you to his ex and you have to act real friendly

the buttons of your shirt opens by itself while crossing the road on a windy day, with a bus-stop full of people right in front of you

you meet your ex with his wife and kids during Christmas feast and you quickly pretend to smile at his kids

you meet an online friend for the first time and your voice starts to tremble and you get all shaky

you realize there’s a person walking behind you all along while you were adjusting the back of your tight pants

your teacher constantly looks at you while explaining in class and you have to pretend like your'e thinking real hard

you recall a previous conversation and you start to smile, when you suddenly realize that the person in front of you is watching, so you have to pretend you were smiling at the person behind him

you place the sugar container lid on the much smaller kettle while brewing tea for a first time visitor

 you update a romantic status on facebook and your friend confidently assumes its for another guy

that awkward moment when you just discovered so many websites dedicated to all other awkward moments and you plan to stop writing your post

Hah. So what! These are MY awkward moments :D







My contribution to Father's day 2012

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Yet another Father’s day tomorrow, which would be a reminder for many of us to appreciate our fathers and for some, to miss their dads who had already left for heaven. I’m not going to blog about how necessary or unnecessary it is to put such days as Mother’s Day, or Father’s Day or Friendship Day or Valentine’s day, because most of the comments would be “Every day is a Father’s day, it is not necessary to appoint only one day…..” and so on and so forth. See, I can read your mind :-)
Its been 3 years already, with my post relating to dad, where I wrote My gratitude towards my dad in June 2009. 
Dad and Mom, with my youngest niece on my brother's wedding. March 2012
Today, I just want to reminisce the times I had with him when I was young. Mom was a strict mom back then. So, whenever I wanted new clothes or new toys, I would directly go to dad. And his answer was always “Yes” and mom would exclaim “You will spoil your children someday”, he and I would just giggle along as if we are partners in crime. I remember once on a Christmas Eve, it was after knowing the truth about Santa, I wanted a Doctor’s set so much, that I asked dad for the cash. I went and bought my own Santa Claus’s gift, placed it nicely on the plate I had kept at the bottom of my bed. And the next day, he came and woke me up excitedly “Go open Santa’s gift!” We, both pretending not to know how it came and mom gave us that ‘I don’t believe these two’ face. (Haha). We used to own a restaurant when I was in high school, and dad taught me how to make ‘Suzi’ (Sooji) and bake ‘Plain cake’, and I was the proud maker of such items which we would sell at our restaurant, and I would manage my own pocket money from that, and dad would ask me every day “How is your business today?” (Ka pi, vawin I sumdawnna enge a an?) as if we are in the middle of a child’s play and I would reply with such excitement. Dad taught me so many stuffs, the principles of life, and mostly the importance of not being ashamed of doing a hard laborious work. He would rear pigs up at the terrace, and to reach the terrace, we had to walk past the main road. He would insist I carry the pig’s food  and I would be so scared because if any of my school mates saw me, they would tease me. But that made me who I am today. There was once a time, I fell in love with singing, and I played Elvis Presley’s song 'Don’t cry daddy' rewinding it over and over, and whenever I was practicing along with Elvis, Dad would come by and pretend as if he’s crying in the ‘don’t cry daddy’ line.


He used to make blackboards for me, as I always wanted to play the part of a teacher. Sometimes I run out of friends to play with, and so, I would make dad sit as one of my student, and when I make roll calls for attendance, he would mimic all kinds of voices to say “present Miss” and “absent Miss”. And when I wanted to play a doctor, he would be my patient. I would steal some of his letterheads and strike off his name and replace it with mine ‘Dr. Lalremsiami Hrahsel’ written on the top corner, and I would prescribe all kinds of medicine with a very bad handwriting like them doctors. When I entered teenage years with the application of high heels, I remember he would come walk near me, bending his knee so as to shorten his height, and would say "You have become taller than me, how is this possible?!", and I would always love that. Coming to think of our age difference, him in his 70’s and me in my late 20’s, I now wonder how dad could manage to be such a good friend back then, and now.

Dad is a man of few words. He is funny. He talks less, but works more. He is now a best friend for my four nieces and one nephew. With mom being sick for the past one year, I am inspired by the way he takes care of her. Due to her medication, mom gets very hot-headed sometimes. But I have never seen him getting angry or fighting with her in my entire life. I want to marry someone like my dad, someone who would take care of me, who would make me laugh, at the same time who could be my best friend and my partner in crime :-) 

The Half bottle of Rum thats still left

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He was at the dinner table, and in deep thoughts. Part of him worried that she would probably come home drunk, and part of him reassuring himself that he should not worry too much because of the fact that she had gone out with her childhood friend and they are probably reminiscing good times. It’s been two weeks since she started drinking “continuously” again. He had been taking care of his sister all these years, and he is the only one she would ever confide in. But the distance between them always grows when she makes her choice over liquor. She had promised him once that she would never touch alcohol again. She did pretty well at keeping her promise but made a mistake when she tried to drink her depression away. Well, the fact is, she is beyond the age of getting married. All her friends are either married with kids, while most of them have passed away, mostly due to liver failure. Every facebook photo comments she gets would always remark about her age- “KTP I over der tawh elaw?” “When are you getting married?”, “it’s high time you get married”. He puts himself in her place, “had it been me, God knows if I would be doing the same thing. People- do they realize how much they can hurt other’s feelings with their petty comments? Why can’t they just let her be? Maybe she is not destined to be married. Maybe she was born to be my sister and me to be her guardian angel. Why can’t people just mind their own business, their own husbands and wives, and their own kids?” He was fuming with anger, and woke up from his thoughts to find his fist held tightly against the plate of his untouched cold food.

It wasn't long before he was done with the dishes that he heard someone calling him from outside. He rushed to see his sister-too drunk that she couldn't even stand up on her own. Her friend was also there-also drunk! They stopped several times to climb the stairs as she had trouble breathing, and they both made it to the living room. She tried to leave the house again and even tried to jump off the balcony. He managed to stop her and pulled her down to sit. The two friends were already in a deep conversation. Her (also drunk) friend was lecturing about how she should stop drinking. She could not stand the lectures that they almost got into a fight. While the two friends were talking, he sat close by to stop any kind of fight that might occur again. The friend told her how happily married she is now, and that she too should settle down soon. And he thought to himself “there she goes again with the petty comments, it will surely trigger my sister’s inferiority feelings!”


Trying to take away their conversation subject, he set the table and served dinner. After food, the friend left. It was just him and her. They were sitting at the balcony. He didn't want to ask her anything and waited for her to speak up.

“Bro, do you have dreams? What is your dream?”

“I don’t know if I have any dreams sis” he replied.

She continued “Ever since I was in high school, I had a dream of being in a music band and tour the world, but now, look at me, look at the pathetic me!”

He wanted to advice her to maybe look beyond those dreams, but he was afraid he’d mutter the wrong words and discourage her further. So he kept silent.

She blurted “I think I should go somewhere far away, just disappear, if you know what I mean”

He knows exactly what she meant. She wants to leave---forever. “How can I tell her that there is so much to live for when she has given up on everything?” He tried his best to control his tears while telling her how much she meant to him and to the family, and that nothing would be the same if she was not there. His heart pounded every time she got up to look down from the balcony. The fear that she might jump off in this depressing moment haunted him, and he told himself that he would never let her off his sight. He prayed silently over and over.

She wanted him to help her search for the Rum that she got. She said she wants to finish the half bottle that’s left, then she would quit from the next day. Maybe his prayers got answered that they looked for the Rum, but could not find it anywhere. Maybe she didn't bring it home as she was too drunk. He asked her to go to bed, and to call him if she needed him at all. Finally, she went to sleep. That night, he got down on his knees, and thanked God for giving her another chance to live while many of her friends had left this world.

I, the Lord, have called you in righteousness; I will take hold of your hand. I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people and a light for the Gentiles, to open eyes that are blind, to free captives from prison and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness. Isaiah 42:6, 7

SHE

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She
Who always seems so happy in a crowd
Whose eyes can be so private and so proud
No one's allowed to see them when they cry
She
May be the love that cannot hope to last
May come to me from shadows of the past
That I'll remember till the day I die

She
May be the reason I survive
The why and wherefore I'm alive
The one I'll care for through the rough in ready years
Me
I'll take her laughter and her tears
And make them all my souvenirs
For where she goes I've got to be
The meaning of my life is

She

She isn’t getting better. In fact, I think she’s getting weaker. She had completed 4 cycles of chemotherapy. We thought that was the last of it but the doctor has recently prescribed her another 18 cycles of chemotherapy, with 21 days gap. She has taken 2 cycles of these, and she had been bed-ridden almost every day. I don’t want to lose hope, but I think I am :(. She has lost her hair; her skin tone has become darker. I feel bad to see her stand in front of the house, and watch the people going to church. My mom, she’s strong. She’s tough. She wants to get better. She went to shop last Saturday, pretending she’s fine. But she got so tired she slept the entire day and the next, and the next! And the worst part is, I don’t know what to do to be there for her. I would quit my responsibilities and studies for her, but she wouldn’t let me. She wants everyone to live a normal life. I have joined the campus hostel for a month now, since the road to my university is worst than ever. And I have to work harder in the lab. And I question myself over and over, what is the right thing to do? If anything happens to her, will I regret later? Or if I do well in my work, will that make her happier? You know, there was once a case when mom was to arrive home from the hospital after her operation, and that night, I had to go to church since there was a duty I had to fulfill. And ‘someone told someone’ what a shame it was for me to go to church while my mom is really sick. And it broke my heart! I thought I was doing the right thing. But now that I’ve come to think of it, maybe I should have been there.. Mom was perfectly fine with me going to church, she said she has the whole family to be there for her, but I don’t know, is this really the right thing to do? “The whole family is being there for her, but her only daughter is somewhere else”. I wanted to be there for her whenever she takes her chemotherapy; I know she feels at rest when I’m nearby, but since I had to be in the hostel, I’ve missed 2 cycles.

I know I’ve not been the best daughter, I really wish I could do more for her. This year, has not been an easy year for me. And I guess I’m like my mom, I like to pretend that everything’s alright when it’s not. I like to act happy when I’m hurting inside. I don’t want to show my weakness. There are times when I would just burst out and cry, asking God, why me, why me? But then, I think I got my answer while reading a line from the book The purpose driven life, “If you are facing trouble right now, don’t ask, “Why me?” Instead ask, “What do you want me to learn?” Then trust God and keep doing what’s right. Don’t give up—grow up!" Yes, it all comes down to only one point, that God is my only hope and I have to trust Him. But then, I still get weak! My mom, I love her. But maybe I don’t know how to show my love for her. Life—is so tough. I have to be strong…atleast for my mom…I have to be strong…




I hope you dance!

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May 19th 2011 12:30pm: We just found out that mom has breast cancer. She detected a lump on the right side last week, and underwent few tests. On Monday, results reported that it was not cancer. It was a relief for us. But today (Thursday), other tests proved that it is cancer.

She’s not home yet, still at the hospital with my brother and aunt to run some more tests…

At first, my mind went blank. I didn’t want to believe. I was doing laundry and was about to hang the clothes out in the sun, when I overheard my brother on the phone with my other brother asking “What? Cancer??”. I walked straight up to the terrace, did my thing, trying to take my mind away from the bad news. I came down, went to my room, played “I hope you dance” by Lee Ann Womack (which happens to be on my desktop because I downloaded the video just yesterday, and didn’t move it to the song folders yet) and started to cry.

I know I should be optimistic and everything, but these ugly thoughtless thoughts are creeping into my head right now! The thought of not having a mom.. God why is this happening? The thought of not having mom by my side on my wedding day, she wouldn’t be there to hold my children someday; the thought of explaining to my nieces and nephew that grandma would go to heaven soon. I went to the bathroom several times to wash my sloppy face. I went to see what dear old dad was doing; he had fallen asleep. The thought of dad who would sleep alone in their bed one day brought my tears back. I went to the kitchen, looked at the dining table, and again the thought of mom’s seat that would be empty someday made me cry. I opened my blog, read what I wrote for mom’s birthday last year “Mom’s 63rd birthday”, it made me happy to have written that post, because it is going to be a reminder for me every coming year now. I wish she’d live to see her 64th birthday this year, and next year, and the next and the next… Oh God, I’m literally crying and typing right now. Shucks!!

And so, they came home in the evening. She was showing her happy face. She knew I had been crying. I mean come’on! Who would not notice my red nose and sore eyes? My aunt (nutei) prayed. Later, cousin Maremi and Prissy’s family all came together, and we had a family prayer. Cousin read Philippians 4:4-7, which was very comforting. She believes that this cancer is clearly not going to kill her, but rather a wake-up call for all of us, to reach out to God. I believe that too! I’m going to do whatever I can to make mom happy. She’ll be undergoing an operation most probably by next week. So please please please remember my mom in your prayers.

Trust in the Lord for “His ways are different”.

Half a bottle of Rum left

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He woke up to the sound of her scream; it was four in the morning. He rushed to her bedside and found her shivering, scared and confused. He held her hand with tears in his eyes, “I don’t want you to die……….”

She had been drinking all her life, ended up in the hospital many a times. The doctor’s advice had always been the same – STOP DRINKING, YOUR LIFE IS IN DANGER. She tried. God knows how much she wanted to quit. She could stay sober if she wanted – yes, IF she wanted. However, she always failed quitting. It was killing her, literally.. but the invitation she gets is tempting, the sweet calls were always so hard to resist.

“Come with us, we miss spending time with you, if you don’t want to drink, that’s ok. We just need your company.”

Is’nt that sweet?

“I can just go with them if I want to, staying sober doesn’t mean I cannot socialize, I can do both!” was always her final decision.

There she goes again. “Just one sip would do me no harm”... The one sip turned to a glass or two, which quickly turned to a bottle or more. Finally, a few bottles she would take home and hide, so that she could proceed in his absence.

She continued day and night for the next few weeks until she lost her appetite. She could not eat. She could not sleep. Every time she got to her senses, she felt guilty and wanted to stop. But she couldn’t. She would rather feel nothing and stay drunk. She could not walk straight, she has no strength, her body is too weak. She was killing herself yet again.

That morning, she woke up from a bad dream, to find blood dripping from her ears and nose. Things were getting serious.

“Let me take you to the hospital”

“No”

“Do you want something to eat?”

“No”

“Do you want me to pray?”

“Hah! Forget about it! Don’t ever try to talk me into it.”

They stayed quiet for a moment. He kept praying inside, “Lord, Help me to help her.”

He asked her, “What’s your favourite verse from the Bible?”

With an irritated look , she replied “Oh please! I know what you are trying to do. I do not believe in God, and I do not have any favourite verse! Just stop whatever you are trying to do!”

He continued patiently, “Well, mine is Psalm 37:5, whenever I am down and in trouble, this verse gives me hope.”

There was silence for a while. She lit up the cigarette with her shaky hands and puffed it twice.

“Hey bro…” She suddenly muttered, “What’s that Bible verse we used to learn when we were kids? About God being our shepherd…?”

He ran to his bedside, grabbed his Bible, quickly returned beside her, turned to Psalm 23, and read it out for her. “The Lord is my Shepherd and I shall not want……” She listened to it till the end and told “My favourite, is the fourth verse.”

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me”

She is starting to reciprocate. All this is very new for both of them. This is the first time in three decades that they ever had a real brotherly-sisterly talk, and to talk about verses from the Bible? Very rare!

“Bro, are you afraid that I would die? You should know that I am not afraid.”

He could not control his tears. “My darling sister, I don’t want you to die, but most of all I don’t want you to die without your soul being saved. We all have to die one day, but if you are born again in Christ, we can be together in heaven. Ask Him for forgiveness. And for your faith to grow, you need to attend church services, pray and read the Bible.

She quickly argued. “Ok! I may believe in Jesus Christ, but I don’t see the point why we should go to church. All these so called church dignitaries such as KTP leaders, and the members, they are all fake. FAKE FAKE FAKE! They say they work for God, but I know so many of them doing ungodly things."

“Sis, it is not about them. It is between You and God. You have to be very clear about this. Don’t ever let anyone come in the way. On judgement day will you tell Jesus that you have not been good just because of this or that KTP leader? Is he or she worth an excuse? It is not for us to judge. The Lord will deal with them. Put your trust in God alone. I want you to read Micah 7 when you find time. You have to watch in hope for the Lord, you have to wait, He will hear you.”

She kept quiet, stubbed out her cigarette in the ashtray, took a deep breath and looked at him.

“How can I be born again in Christ? I am a sinner. I do things, which is bad for me. You know how much I want to quit drinking. I know its killing me, but the more I try to stay away, the harder it gets.”

“Sis, I know how much you want to quit. You can… not with your own will, but with Jesus as your strength, you can. He loves you no matter what you have done and He want to use you. All you need to do is pray and ask Him to forgive you. Surrender yourself to Him. It’s that easy.”

“But I don’t know how to pray. Will you help me?”

And so he prayed. She repeated after him. In the end, she prayed out by herself. “Lord, I have made a promise to You and I will keep it.”

She told him “There’s half a bottle of rum left lying under my bed, can you please throw it out for me?”

Was he glad! The Lord has answered their prayers at that instant!

Since then, she has kept herself away from alcohol, till today.

"Anything is possible, with God"





This year

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This year, God has placed me in a place so high that part of me wants to carry out my duty, but the other part knows it’s something I don’t deserve. I look at these people around me, and I see so many more capable and more reliable than me. I look at myself, I see nothing. I look at my past, and there’s nothing to be proud of. I’m just somebody with full of mistakes and regrets, I have said and done unnecessary things, I have not been the best daughter and sister to my family, not even the best friend to my best friend. I have not been there for those who needed me; I’m selfish, I’m proud. I have not been a good Christian, have not fulfilled my Christian duties; I don’t pray enough, I don’t read the Bible enough, and I don’t even attend church services regularly. I keep asking God “Why me, why have you chosen me? ".

The question still lingered as I set off to church last night. My folks were still having their dinner and if I had waited for the dishes to be done, I will have to miss the service. Sometimes, doing the dish is part of my excuse for not going to church (confessionJ). I sat there in the church surrounded by people of higher faith, people I look up to as my spiritual guides; I kept asking myself “Do I belong with them?” “Do I deserve to be sitting with these amazing God’s chosen people?” It was a farewell service for our outgoing missionaries, four very brave ladies from my church who had been walking in the dark and had worked for the Lord. Each of them gave a speech which happens to be the exact answer I longed for.

They talked about how tough life is out there. And that there are times they wish to suddenly pack and come home. But even at their lowest point of faith, they could make it through because God was always there for them. They said no matter how small we may feel, God can put us in the highest level if we are willing to give ourselves to Him. I saw how devoted they were. Even though they have risked their lives to spread the gospel, willing to lose every chance of safely being at home with their family and the community, I find them happy and content.

Then I asked myself, “How can I say no to God’s call? Why do I struggle so much to say yes? He hasn’t asked me to go out to barren lands or preach to the non-Christians. All He wants is for me to stay faithful to Him and do this very small task. He wants me to read the Bible and pray, go to church, be amongst the leader of those who already know Him...

Where?

HERE, at My place, at My church, with My family and My friends!

I have kept running away from God’s call you see. Year before last, I was appointed as a Sunday school teacher for small kids. I backed off saying that I’d be too busy with my research. Research of course, needs hard work and dedication. But till today, it’s one of the things that I regret. Sparing my time for others, for God, would have done me good.

God has blessed me with so many things in life. I have my parents with me till today, and my brothers who love me in every way. He has given me the perfect friends, the perfect family and the perfect guy to the imperfect me. What more could I ask for? I am in awe of His love and blessings. He still wants me to serve Him no matter how unfit I am. And the only thing I can do is say Yes to His call and dedicate my life to Him. Now I know that dinner can wait, dishes can wait, laundry can wait, research can wait! What’s important is to seek first His Kingdom. Because I know He will give me the rest.

Happy new year everyone! Have a Blessed 2011.

Mom's 63rd birthday

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Mom turned 63 today.. (wow), I know! And the best part is she’s still keeping healthy by God’s grace, still looks young and beautiful, and still has the most contagious laughter. It wasn’t until recently that we came to know October 1st is her birthday. She’s the 10th child from a family of 11 children of Pu Philip-a and Pi Rothangi (my grandparents I never got to meet); she said her parents forgot to remember the day she was born :-) and all they would talk about, was how they’d carry her on their back, and play with her when she was a baby but never mentioned about the date. I guess remembering birthdays wasn't such an issue back then. A few years back, Upa Chalhnuna (L), an elder from our church suggested she’d check the birthday record book in the Synod Office. So me and Mom went through a really thick old book, and traced her name out, and dad’s too (which is on 3rd December).

 Anyway, I didn’t give much of a thought about what gift I should get for her, because…… I’m broke! *GRIN*. I’ve been shifted to another project, and my fellowship from my new project hasn’t been sanctioned yet, it has been dragging for a month now! Last year I got her a fancy red purse, this year I thought I’d just let it be. But when I woke up this morning, I couldn’t let the thought of me not getting her anything pass by. I need someone to lend me money. I don’t want to ask my brothers or dad, coz I know they’d give me the cash right away without having the need to be repaid. I wanted it to come from my own. Suddenly, my fourth brother’s girlfriend's face flashed through my mind *grin*. So early morning, I asked my dear sis-in-law to-be (hopefully..hehe) for some cash, and told her I will repay her back, but not THAT soon. The first thing that came to my mind was a Mizo traditional Puan.

 Luckily, it didn’t rain in the morning. So I went to class by my scooty. I reached the Department to find that there was some cash for me from my previous project. Oh boy! Was I Happy! “Now I can return the borrowed cash a.s.a.p”. Left the campus at 3pm and there was a slight drizzle. I guess I was in a little rush thinking of all the possible shops where to find the puan; I suddenly encountered a Tripper truck right on the curve and I slipped on a mud. A little bruise on my right leg, no blood, I'll live :-). First checked a shop called Zopar in Chanmari. Then visited Mission Veng Handloom and lastly Tlangnuam Handloom. Mom’s the kind of person who want simple things, and I wanted to get her the perfect gift. Finally made up my mind and drove all the way back to Chanmari and bought her a really pretty puan with black background and multi-coloured pattern at the border. It’s lovely.

 I went home with the smell of mouth-watering mutton curry welcoming me. My first brother was on the move! yay! He cooked, and yes, I love his cooking. We had a family prayer before supper. Mom made a small speech of how happy she is to have lived to see 63, reminding us how lucky we are to be living with no loss of life within the family (Thank you God). My two nieces Feli and Dindini prayed. And dinner was served. Mom loved her gift.

 I’m so happy to see Mom happy on her 63rd birthday. She has been blessed with a loving husband, to whom she has been married to for 43 years, with 5 sons and an adorable daughter (ahem!) :-), with 4 grand-daughters and a grand-son.I wouldn’t have been what I am today if not for her. I couldn’t ask for a better Mom and I’m proud to be her daughter.

 (Just got a text from cousin Prissy saying how happy she is to have my mom till today, and wanted me to mention her name in my blog, so here I am mentioning her name :-) Miss you Pris!)

Patriotic

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I've been discovering so much of Patriotism in me lately. Must be because of the ongoing World Cup and the earlier post “What flag will you be waving?” I've read from Kukui’s blog, where she said she’s dreaming for the day when an Indian team will play in the World Cup with jerseys featuring names like Hrahsel, Chhangte, Hauhnar, Ralte etc and a Pachuau on the reserve bench :D (slight modification Kuks.. hihi). It touched me. I wrote a really long comment for this post, that paragraph in particular, but the internet failed me in between, and I didn’t get the time and that particular mood to put up my comment again. So I guess I’ll have to blog my feelings out :-)

Having spent 6 years of my life outside Mizoram, I’ve made good non-Mizo friends wherever I went. They have so many qualities that we have yet to learn. No matter what profession they take, be it a vendor or a roadside sweeper, or a business man or a professor, they are dedicated and hardworking and they take things seriously. I envy them for such qualities. But what I discovered also is that, there are so many inbuilt qualities we have, that I think they will never acquire.

The older I get, the more I love being a Mizo, and a Christian. I love the fact that it is not a new thing for us to go and mourn for the dead, and stay up all night to console the grieving family, to be able to sing for them, brew tea, collect rice and hear their sorrows and gratitude the same time. Just being able to be there for them is a good feeling. Thank God for Y.M.A. I love the fact that we don’t complain when we have to cook, sweep, or do the dishes and the laundry. Every Mizo mom has taught her daughter that it is her duty to do such chores since childhood. I love waking up in the morning with the beautiful greenery when I look around, especially when it had rained the previous night. I love watching the sunset behind the evening cloud covered hills. I love the ever clear unpolluted sky that we still get to see. I love the long winding roads. I love peaceful Mizoram. I love the smell of “bai” with “saum”, “vawksa” with “antam”, “bekang” with “hmarchapui” and of course “khanghu” :-). Will the others ever get to experience such contentment? I doubt.

I know there are lots of unwanted crime and illegal things happening today. But don’t these things happen everywhere? The world itself has become so evil, the only solution I see to this is that we pray, with hope.

But I’m afraid. Afraid that we’d be drawn away with what’s happening around us. Here’s a good example. World Cup. We talk about it, we make bets, we stay up late nights to watch our favourite team playing. We argue about which team is best. It’s entertainment. It’s fun. Fun to watch with friends. Fun to boo a friend if his favourite team loses. I ain’t complaining as long as it doesn’t hinder our daily work. These football stars, how much are they earning? And their fans, at least they are cheering for their country. But what about us? What do we gain from it? I've seen colleagues and friends feeling lazy the next day after watching a match the previous night. And some who even said they did not study for their exams because the match was too important to miss.

I have a cousin, a mother of 3 kids. She loves football. Big fan of Manchester United. She hardly misses their match, be it in the middle of the night or early morning. But she never fails to get up before 6, never fails to provide food on the table for her husband and kids, and always reach the office on time.

I know this is World Cup, but come’ on! Let it not ruin your future. Let’s stay focused. We’ve got major job exams coming up. MCS, and the rest. You might have seen my facebook status updates, and I know I’ve annoyed a few football diehard fans (hehe). Ok, World Cup is just an example, because it’s happening right now. There are other events too that we get drawn to. As a matter of fact, we Mizo's have that character of getting too involved. "Awnna lama awn dual dual". They are all good, but let’s know the limits. Let’s be mature. Let’s make Mizoram better. Waka waka eh eh :-)

Googled MeMe!

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Googled my name out of boredom. With my full name, nothing much came out. With Mimi Hrahsel and Mimihrahsel, few things came up. Then when I googled 'Mimi', many interesting things came up, including funny pictures (hehe).Wikipedia says Mimi is a semi-rare European first name. And its the name of many actresses and singers. No wonder I'm so popular (hahaha). Now my friend Ice-man can stop mocking my lovely name. He keeps saying its Fish in Tamil. bleh! whatever. But I love fish! *grin*.

I still wonder how my folks ever came up with this nick. My late uncle used to call me 'do re me me'. When I started high school, I was surprised to find many of the girls having 'Mimi' as their first name. To me, its just a nick, not even official. When I went outside the state for college, thats when I found this nick to be very useful. It's easy to remember, and you can tell any non-mizo friend without any extra effort of trying to make them remember the long name "lal.............. hrahsel". My Botany teacher in Mysore used to call me "HAR-SHEL" with a very loud voice; the way he pronounce it is effective enough to wake you up if your dreaming in class.

Anyways, when I tried Google Images, many "oh-so-cute" pictures came up. Check these out..



Cool eh? :P I like it when a certain someone calls me "My Mimi" :-) It sounds special and owned :-) :-). But, I've come to the conclusion that, Mimi is a very common name. Oh well, its ok I guess..

I've been recently hooked to serials 90210 and Vampire Diaries (damon is hot!..hehe). I've observed that they've been using Bing for their search engine. So out of curiosity, I "Binged" 'mimi hrahsel', and under images, guess what one and only picture came out?
THIS---------------------->

My first expression was $%^&*()$%^&*()$^^&())
Then I realized it came from one of the funny post from a blogger friend Joseph, a post about P's and V's (haha) check THIS out if you want to know why this picture came when my name is being binged! (lal Joseph, nangmah vang vek!!). hmmm... gotta hit the sack now. I caught fever last night. But I was fit and fine by morning.


These days

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I just got back from a far cousin's funeral. He's just 23, married to a young girl. I could not stand to see the look on her face. She wept and wept and wept over the body of her beloved. I imagined myself in her place. But only God knows how much hurt she would feel. They must have had so many plans for the future; must have talked about how many kids they want; or who they would look like. All their dreams, their fantasies, gone.. just like that. How unpredictable our future is! But on the brighter side (which isn't so bright), maybe she should be thankful that they had at least few wonderful years together, as a family...
...
....
which got me thinking... "Why do people wait for the right time to get married?" I have few close friends having years of relationship. And I keep telling them, "If your'e so sure that you love him/her and your'e financially stable, get married! Why wait?". Coz I feel that when things get prolonged, people change in the course of time; sometimes in a good way and sometimes bad. And I've seen few people lost love because they waited too long. "If tomorrow never comes" by Ronan Keating suits such situations. Marriage is a risk anyway right? So, my very dear friends (you know who you are), please please get married soon! I wanna be the flower girl (lolz). Oh yeah, you may be wondering "What about you?". Well, as for me, I need to stand on my own feet first, coz I believe that a girl should be independent, and be able to stand up for her man :-). I've met this really wonderful guy and he has brought sunshine to my life. I don't know what the future has in store for us, all I know is that I don't want to lose him. But am keeping everything in the hands of the Lord. Ok. End of discussion. *grin*

Here's a song I want all lovers in the world to listen. An OST from the movie "Fireproof", a must watch Christian Movie, especially for married couples going through tough times.
"Love is not a fight, but its something worth fighting for"


And... work... has been very hectic lately. I aint complaining as far as lab work is concerned. I actually love doing it, coz it's something practical. What I hate is the observation part, where I have to write down what changes took place in how many days... arrggh.. Boring! I'm not much of a reader either. I envy people taking interests in reading. I haven't even read one novel. Newspapers, Chicken soup for the soul and my books (during exams) are the few things I could manage to read. And of course, Blogs, coz they are short :-). Ok.. enough of blabbering. And so this is why I haven't been updating my blog lately. I've been super busy (hehe). And I can't believe it has already been a year since I started blogging. So, Happy 1st birthday to Claire. Ciao people!

Childhood days

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“I miss my childhood, where the hardest decision was picking a crayon”.

I came across this line just when I was thinking about my childhood days, and man! How I miss those days. Looking at my nieces and how eager they want to grow up, reminds me of myself back then. How I wish I could tell them that childhood will be the best days of their lives.

Since all my brothers were schooled somewhere far from home, I was quite alone back then. I remember being a great fan of Mithun Chakraborty :-), and right after school, mom would rent a Mithun movie from the video parlour nearby, and I’d watch it after I had done my homework. “Disco dancer” was a hit that time (hehe). I wasn’t allowed much to play outside with my neighbours. Yeah.. being the one and only girl in the family isn’t so cool sometimes!

But when cousins Prissy and George visits during exam holidays, and when my brothers come home for the holidays, those were “the” best days. I could play outdoors. We’d climb the mango tree near my late uncle’s place, tell stories, chase after lizards and play in the mud. We’d steal and smoke my uncle’s mizo ciggy (vaihlozial) in the unused piggery nearby, that is, when we get lucky. Most of the time, we’d roll up some dry leaves on a paper and smoke (haha).

And sometimes we’d do a short play with my very talented cousin ‘U Nunpari’ where we would laugh our a** off. The story of the play was ‘on the spot’; I guess that’s why we liked it so much. My brother Sangtea was like the ‘boss’ for me, Prissy and George. Whatever he says, we’ll do it. That was the rule. We’d stay under the blanket, switch off all the lights, he’d hold a torchlight, and tell horror stories. And to scare us, he’d suddenly switch on the torch, right under his mouth with his tongue hanging out, and we would scream our lungs out. We knew he was gonna do that, but we would still scream any way :-)

And in the nights, when we pay a visit to my aunt’s place, we’d play while our mothers and aunts watch the great tv soap opera “Dynasty” with the other women-folk. And since we missed each other so much, we’d play a trick and pretend that we had slept off. If it was only mom, she’d let me sleep over. But if any of my brothers came along, they’d carry me home anyway, and I had to pretend that I was asleep throughout!

One winter, when my cousins came to pay a visit, I was so eager to play with them. But mom bathed me first, right after school. My nick was “Te-sawii” back then, all because I have a somewhat triangular shaped face I guess. I remember Mom saying while applying pure glycerine all over me, “As soon as you meet Prissy and George, tell them to call you Mimi instead of Te-sawii”. And ta da! I was called Mimi ever since, mostly by my mom’s side of the family. It’s Mami on dad’s side :-)

Sigh! I miss those days. To have no care in the world. To be so free. To have no worries. I hate growing up. I hate having responsibilities. I hate being scared of making the wrong decisions.

But, life goes on...

A good day

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Today, was a good day :-)

Lately, I have been down. I try to find reasons why. I find faults in people around me. Sms jokes don’t make me laugh no more. Chatting doesn’t help either. I run out of words to say. I don’t find facebook that amusing anymore. Sometimes, the sound of my nieces playing and chattering makes me sick. I get angry for no reason. I try to blame it on any one who crosses my way. I don’t find myself doing any progressive work in my research. I procastinate too much. I feel so lazy. And I feel so fat too! But finally, I found out, that no one’s to blame, but me.

I went extra early to bed last night coz I didn’t feel like talking to anyone. But I woke up several times in the night. First time I woke up from a dream I could vaguely remember, it was just 23:00, not even my bed time!

This morning I was up by 5:30, just in time to attend the 6 am prayer in church. It sure feels good to pray for someone, rather than for yourself. Don’t gasp, or make any “how nice of you to go and pray” flattering comments! It’s just that, I need it. I need to pray. And I’m ever so lazy to pray alone, my mind usually wanders off to some other thoughts. And when I pray with the ones having more faith and dedication to God than me, I feel stronger in faith, and I can concentrate more. I’ve had this habit of attending such morning service since last April, whether I hit the sack late or not. But I guess winter cold and my warm bed made me skip for months.

Went home, and prepared breakfast. I usually rush on other days, but today, I was so early that I had at least an hour before getting myself ready for work. So, I switched on the treadmill, kept the speed control in “Fat burning zone” *grin* and walked for about 20 minutes. Every time mom passed me by, she was like “Don’t do it too much on the first day!” (haha..) Moms!! But I love her :-)

Went to work by my faithful scooty. I love speed. And today, I could speed up as much as I wanted, at the same time controlled the brakes on every curves. It feels good to pass another scooty with a higher cc than mine. And I drove passed a few :-). My brother said once I mastered driving a scooty, he’d teach me how to ride a bike. Can’t wait!

And at work, I could finally complete entering the data of my findings my supervisor has been telling me to do before he gets back. He has been away taking the students for a class trip, and will be back next week.

I came home. We have a new maid. She doesn’t speak Mizo, and I don’t speak Hindi :-) And so, my evening was cooking which included lots of action and the “thoda thoda” Hindi that I could speak (hehe). We both enjoyed laughing at what we were trying to say.

End of the day, here I am, feeling content. My mistake was, I looked for happiness in others. I waited for someone or something to make my day. Sure I’ve got friends and family, who cares for me. But I realized that I should not depend on anyone, or on anything, because such things have limits. And I’m one of those people, who get bored when things remain so constant. I guess I’ve found myself today. And I’m the only one responsible, for my failure or success; my sadness or happiness.

I’m my best friend, and I’m my worst enemy

What's a girl to do

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What's a girl to do..

When your friends get all her time
And you forget to call her
Don't you know she needs to be with you too?

When you get annoyed
Coz she tells you a little too often, to pray and find God
Its because she cares!

When you don't tell her how you feel
After dating her for months
Why blame her if she runs?

When she finds out that you've been with some one else
And you know that girl's not gonna love you as much
Why make scars for your future?

When you tell her your new girl is nothing compared to her
Well, all she can tell you now is
"Sorry boy, you had your chance"

When she doesn't want to talk
Coz you forgot to wish her on her birthday
Don't you dare take her for granted!

When you get mad
Coz she's on the phone a little too long
All she wants is someone to ask her how her day was!

When she's bored sitting at home
While your out with the boys playing poker
Maybe she wants to have fun too!









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