I've had a very sleepless night. I went to bed at 3, and I woke up every hour with all kinds of thoughts running in my head. Then, I got a text from one of my very very close friend in the morning, she's getting married!! Yay. She mentioned very clearly that it is going to be a 2nd degree wedding, not because she's pregnant, and not because they've eloped. She said "We did something that God didn't allow". I replied right away, "I'm so proud of your honesty". I tried to go back to sleep, but I couldn't. With the very active mind that had been thinking all night, my thoughts continued to wander on the hottest topic a girl always like to talk about - Weddings.
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Kate Hudson, one of my fav actress, from the movie Bride Wars
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According to my church, couples who had slept together before marriage, cannot get married in church. They have to choose some place else. And I remember when we were small, the brides were not even allowed to wear a white dress, they are not allowed to have a white wedding, 'White' which stands for 'Purity' I guess. One of my cousins wore a yellow gown (:D).
So it has become every girl's dream every Mizo girl's dream to have a White wedding, to get married in a church wearing a beautiful dress. This has been an influence from the Western culture. We have been influenced so much with the Western world that, some of us take sex so casually, which creates a clash between a girl's dream of white wedding and the rule of not allowing to have one, if you had slept with your hubby-to-be. The thing with Western people is that, they do all these stuffs, but finally when they've made their choice of marriage, they still get to have a white wedding, which is not possible for us. Now, that's when the test of honesty comes.
Some couples cannot hide their little secret, because the girl becomes pregnant, I'm not going to talk about them. And I don't want to talk about the couples who got married with a secret and still get to have a White wedding, because whats done is done, they've made their choices. What I do want to talk about is, the couples who are yet to get married. With us being Christians, and many of us having titles in church and society, we tend to hide what has happened, afraid to stand up and confess our mistakes. And I've seen lovers breaking their relationship, just because they've done the un-permitted, and since they cannot reveal the truth to their parents and especially to the church, they choose to break up after all the "I love you's" and the "I want to live with you forever". Really? Tell me, where is the love??
Once, there were two lovers, and the girl got pregnant. She confessed before God, but the guy did not want to accept the child. He is the son of a church elder. He had asked her to undergo abortion, but she didn't. She had a son, on her own, and their son has all the features of his dad. The dad got married after many years to another girl, a white wedding of course, but till today, the wife cannot conceive. I'm not going to preach about what people should do, but we should all know, we have a creator up there, from whom we cannot hide, He sees us, and some day, one way or the other, He is going to act according to our behavior.
I don't want this post to be an encouragement to the young boys and girls to sleep with anyone they want. Get married a virgin. That's the best and that's what God wants. But to those who don't qualify to this, you should know it's not the end of the world. We are human, we make mistakes, we get cheated with our emotions. Nobody's perfect. With all the wrong paths that you have walked upon, you can make an U-turn and start walking the right path. Just be honest to God and He will forgive you. Forget about the glamorous white wedding and the titles you have in church, forget about the people who will talk about you because you had made a mistake. Like my friend here, she said her mom's really hurt, and she's going to be more ashamed when the church restricts her from attending important services for some months, after they get informed (Its a must that one should inform the church). I wish the best for them, and I'm 100 percent sure, that God will bless them for their honesty. And though I haven't met her fiance, I can tell that he's very bold and I'm happy my friend is marrying him. I wonder how many guys out there are as bold as him, a guy who isn't afraid to stand up for the truth. We say we hate corruptions, we hate lies, I wonder how many of us are planning to start a family with a lie.
Be brave, be honest. Let your dreams of having a white wedding be flexible, if its going to cost you your honesty. Aim for the more respected "Honest wedding".
18 comments:
I've come to know about your so called honest wedding somewhere back in 2009 when a friend of mine get married just like your friend there. It was the talk of the town, and we're all proud of their honesty. These people rock! \m/
@Joseph: yes, they are very ngaihsanawm. Ka chhuang tawp!
very ngaihsanawm indeed! Dan 1-na a innei tam tak zingah hian dan 1-na tlin miah lo an tam ka ring (Mizo bikah)...
good post. everyone makes mistakes and they've got their whole lives ahead to pay for those mistakes. So the moral in the end is : "Prevention is better than Cure" LOLZZZ
One of my married friends have this to say about dan 1-na weddings: If we confess to the church, we are excommunicated for about 6 months, then we are taken back into the fold. There is no mandate that says God requires a public apology, and so we confess and repent of most of our sins in a private communion with God. So my wife and I abstained for about a year before we got married, without confessing our past sin to the congregation. Its the same thing, minus the public humiliation" :D
Sound logic, imho, though maybe not exactly moral, according to our Presbyterian standards anyway :D Raises quite a lot of questions, i thought :D
aww, a, rin aiin comment a rawn lut leh, tuman an comment tawh dawn lo emaw ka tia :D
@nancy: yes, God will judge :)
@mami02: hahaa, so true, Prevention is much better than being in a state of dilemma. Thanks for the visit :)
@ku2: hmm, something to think about. Church is sacred and we should show respect, and its the very church that you are getting married in, so why bend its rules? Of course we can confess our sins in private, but then, if it was my case, I don't think I can live with the guilt. But then again, its not for us to judge, God is there, and He will judge. Its better to leave it in His hands, its not healthy to poke into people's lives. hehe
My friend says, telling it to the family was the hardest part, now that they are done with that, they are very happy and so in love, she said "Its like God is taking care of the rest". I guess that's what happens when we do the right thing, IMHO :)
A nih leh midang lo mutpui tawh si ila, ka la mutpui miah loh nen innei dawn ta ila dan khatna a la ni tho ang em? Tih te mai hi ka ngaihtuah ve neuh neuh. Virgin tawh miahlo chu dan khatna a theih loh bur chuan dan khatna a innei thei kan tlem awm.. hihihi :P
Kudos to your soon-to-be-married friend for her honesty and brevity. A friend of mine who recently got married did the same thing, and everyone praised them. They are now happily married.
@Alejendro: Pastor zawt rah :P
@Aduhi: That's great to hear. Seeing such people makes me happy, at least some are not fake in this fake fake world :D
Vawin chu hei ringawt hi ka rilru ah awm "I see fake people everywhere" hahaha
I ziahchhan kha vawiinah ka hreve chiaha! Amah ka hmu bawk a! Ka chhuang rauh top :D
Keini inneih hrim hrim pui tur pawh kan hmuh zawhloh lai in thenkhat chu dan khatna dan hnihna tih velah an buai thei a nia... mihring hi chu kan in luck hleih zia hi chu....
:) :P
Kidding... jokes apart, good on your friend's part. I admire her honesty and the respect she has for the holy matrimony.
But I'm a bit skeptical about this because, as kukui pointed out, this dan khatna and dan hnihna are all man made laws. And yes, there had been many incidents where couples who chesual but want a dan khatna wedding, can easily do it by confessing to their kohhran and being phuar and after a few months, enter the congregation again and are then allowed to have a dan khatna wedding. I can't help thinking all this is a bit silly, though in no way do I mean to feel less about your friend's integrity. I am talking more about the existing law.
And as Alejendro pointed out, I may be mistaken her, but if either partners have slept around with other people a lot, but not with each other, then they are still eligible for dan khatna wedding. Correct me if I'm wrong.
Hence the reason why I am not a big fan of getting married in our Presbyterian Church, if I do happen to get married. I'm really fine with just me and the bride and the best man and bridesmaid and the pastor, and nobody else, inside the Church. And if we are not allowed to get married in the Church, then again, just the five of us on the edge of a cliff with a romantic backdrop and the cool wind gently blowing across her wedding veil, where we exchange our vows under God's name. That is something I really want.
@ku2: A tran awm tawp asin :)
@Mizohican: You are right, you know my dream wedding, is a small one, with few selected people, with high quality food served and every one should get a place to sit and eat/dine comfortably, and there should be dancing and laughter all around, not a formal "inhmuam up" program.. But when three of my brothers got married, I realized that we cannot limit our invitation cards in a society like ours, coz we live in a society where we need each other, and one cannot just exclude those people who have come to stay up all night with you when your uncle or dad passed away, people who have dug the grave yard so that the family can have a proper funeral, people who have come for help when your shop goes up in flames, because that's what we do, we help each other.
And about the man made law part, I'm not an expert on this, but what I do know is that, these laws were made by the men of God, and God must have surely spoken to them when these laws were laid, and though it may seem silly, I find no reason to doubt about it. If you are a member, its good that one should respect its laws. Roman Catholic ho style hi a tha ka tia :D
Ok then, if they want to confess only to God and not to the congregation, let them do it. And since they want no part from the congregation, then let them make their vows in front of God alone, as you mentioned. Why to use the church and the unwanted congregation?
hmmmm, let me go find one to marry :P
Interesting. Yeah, agree with you on the importance of society and all, but I was speaking more about what I would like to have, and not what I have to have :) You have a fair point there, sis.
But I am still not wholly convinced on the dan khatna and dan hnihna issue. I guess we are looking at this from different point of views. You see your friend opting for dan hnihna and you immediately admire her honestly. Even I do admire her. But as for me, I hear people bitch about my friends who are getting married under dan hnihna, and it totally pisses me off... "x leh y kha dan hnihna in an innei dawn, an va ti zahthlak... an che tenawm dun thin hle aniang blah blah blah..." I just feel like bitch-slapping their pompous heads and set it spinning 360 degrees... who the eff are they to judge my friends? God will do the judging, not them.
And that's exactly the issue I have with this dan khatna and dan hnihna. In a way, it creates something like a caste system that segregates people and classify them into something more holy and less holy. Like a medal of shame they have to wear among society for the rest of their lives. Yes, I can understand why this "law" was framed, so as to convince youngsters to refrain from premarital sex. But is this really the right way to go about with? Why can people who chesual easily beat the system and still have dan khatna wedding then (like I mentioned in the previous comment)? Kha khan a ti lem a lawm.
God must have surely spoken to them when these laws were laid
Hmmm... again, if this is the case, then why didn't God say this same thing to other leaders of different denominations? :)
One of the main reasons behind the Protestant movement was because of the rigorous ritualistic nature of the Roman Catholic Church, which gave men a God-like status with Holier-than-thou attitude that lead to incessant corruption and other ungodly activities. Whatever they say, they said so by using God's name and anybody who questioned them was branded a heretic and crucified. But times have changed and things are not like that anymore. Similarly, I've had many discussions with our Church leaders and theologians regarding many issues. A healthy debate. And maybe that's what I love about our Presbyterian kohhran, that I am allowed to question it.
At the end of the day, being a Presbyterian, yes, I have to accept this dan khatna and dan hnihna rule, after all I do belong to this denomination. All I am doing is voicing out my opinion, not as a form of protest, but merely to clear my doubts, and that does not mean I disregard our Church in anyway :) Long live the Church, and I wish your friend an awesome and memorable wedding ahead :)
Very ngaihnawm, zirtir tha bawk si.
I'm having the same thought as Kima does; i didn't get a single girl just for shopping or whatever, but some guys did toooo much than what i dreamt.. LOL
Couple of days back, I was having a humerous chat with my whats app friends. For my marriage plan, i got a photographer, a beautician, cake sponsor and the place too! But you know what? No girls to tie the knot with!
Fortunately (or will i say unfortunately), in our church (pentecostal) there are no dan khatna or dan hnihna. But, as Christ body is the Church itself, its always best to follow the Church which we are belonging to.
I do agree with you and i appreciate your friends' decision. May they have a prosperous married life...
LOL. This is getting interesting :)
@Kima: Why didn't God say this same thing to other leaders of different denominations?
I wish I had an answer for you bro. Maybe I should put this on my List of "Things to ask God once I reach heaven" :) But as Mahminga mentioned in his comment, it is always best to follow the church where we belong to.
In an exam, when someone cheats and escapes without getting caught, and they score marks higher than me, I call that unfair. And when couples get to have a white wedding without confessing, I call that unfair too. In both cases, rules have been broken. But I rest my heart for such cases, as Psalm 37:1,2 says
Do not fret because of those who are evil or be envious of those who do wrong;
for like the grass they will soon wither,like green plants they will soon die away
In an exam, when one cheats and scores high marks, but he feels guilty and reports himself to the teacher, the teacher gives him another chance to write the exam. Even though he had done wrong, he had to courage to stand up. I call that fair, brave and honest. When couples confess to the church that they had done wrong, they are excommunicated (according to the church law) for six months, and they are given another chance to have a white wedding. I call this fair, brave and honest, too. But,imho, dan hnihna in innei ta law law se ka duh zawk, a WHITE-na a awm tawh lo em a. Mahse mihring kan inang lo a, ngaihdan inang lo tak tak te kan nei a. Dan khatna pawh chuan innei leh ta se ka sawisel chuang lo e. An sual te an puan ngam avangin huaisen ka ti tho tho.
Then, coming to the bitching about others part, X and Y kha dan hnihna in an innei dawn a, an van ti zahthlak, tih ai chuan X and Y kha tlin lo chung chungin dan khatna in an innei dawn a, an van ti zahthlak tih hi a zahthlak ka ti zawk. Kan inhriatpui fur tawh lehnghala, tunlaiah phei chuan. And that's the whole point about this post, HONESTY. We should give credit to honest people, instead of wailing about the wrongs they have done. Ka thiante/chhungte pawh dan hnihna in an innei fur a, I don't think we mark them as a medal of shame. Fa an lo nei a, an fate hnenah I nu leh pa te kha dan hnihna in an innei asin, tiha kan sawi zui teh chiam pawh ka hre tawh chuang lo. Life goes on. Thil tih dik loh chuan dinpui ngam mai se, mi ten kan thil tih ruk an hriat a, a ruka min sawi sep sep kha a zahthlak zawk. IMHO.
A va sei em! huihamz :P
@Mahminga Sailo: Comment leh hrep ila ni mai lawm :)
Yeah, I agree with you too, some people shop too much, but as I have quoted the verse from Psalm 37:1,2, its best to leave things in God's hands. Maybe He will act on people who shop too much too, for He is a righteous God. :) There's this saying that I want to share,
No need for revenge. Just sit back and wait. Those who hurt you will eventually screw up themselves and if you're lucky, God will let you watch
So, If a guy or girl shops around too much, hurting people's feelings, I believe this is what they'll get. Hope you'll get a good girl. Good luck :)
Totally agree with your points, sis. Except... you just called me "kima"! that... hurts :(
@Mizohican: sowyyyyyy, BRO! :-) Mahminga khian "Kima" a rawn tia, ka ti "Kima" ve thut che nih kha, so sowyyy
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