claire

She

Who always seems so happy in a crowd

Whose eyes can be so private and so proud

No one's allowed to see them when they cry

She

May be the love that cannot hope to last

May come to me from shadows of the past

That I'll remember till the day I die

She

May be the reason I survive

The why and wherefore I'm alive

The one I'll care for through the rough in ready years

Me

I'll take her laughter and her tears

And make them all my souvenirs

For where she goes I've got to be

The meaning of my life is

She

She isn’t getting better. In fact, I think she’s getting weaker. She had completed 4 cycles of chemotherapy. We thought that was the last of it but the doctor has recently prescribed her another 18 cycles of chemotherapy, with 21 days gap. She has taken 2 cycles of these, and she had been bed-ridden almost every day. I don’t want to lose hope, but I think I am :(. She has lost her hair; her skin tone has become darker. I feel bad to see her stand in front of the house, and watch the people going to church. My mom, she’s strong. She’s tough. She wants to get better. She went to shop last Saturday, pretending she’s fine. But she got so tired she slept the entire day and the next, and the next! And the worst part is, I don’t know what to do to be there for her. I would quit my responsibilities and studies for her, but she wouldn’t let me. She wants everyone to live a normal life. I have joined the campus hostel for a month now, since the road to my university is worst than ever. And I have to work harder in the lab. And I question myself over and over, what is the right thing to do? If anything happens to her, will I regret later? Or if I do well in my work, will that make her happier? You know, there was once a case when mom was to arrive home from the hospital after her operation, and that night, I had to go to church since there was a duty I had to fulfill. And ‘someone told someone’ what a shame it was for me to go to church while my mom is really sick. And it broke my heart! I thought I was doing the right thing. But now that I’ve come to think of it, maybe I should have been there.. Mom was perfectly fine with me going to church, she said she has the whole family to be there for her, but I don’t know, is this really the right thing to do? “The whole family is being there for her, but her only daughter is somewhere else”. I wanted to be there for her whenever she takes her chemotherapy; I know she feels at rest when I’m nearby, but since I had to be in the hostel, I’ve missed 2 cycles.