claire

a disclosure

SHE

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She
Who always seems so happy in a crowd
Whose eyes can be so private and so proud
No one's allowed to see them when they cry
She
May be the love that cannot hope to last
May come to me from shadows of the past
That I'll remember till the day I die

She
May be the reason I survive
The why and wherefore I'm alive
The one I'll care for through the rough in ready years
Me
I'll take her laughter and her tears
And make them all my souvenirs
For where she goes I've got to be
The meaning of my life is

She

She isn’t getting better. In fact, I think she’s getting weaker. She had completed 4 cycles of chemotherapy. We thought that was the last of it but the doctor has recently prescribed her another 18 cycles of chemotherapy, with 21 days gap. She has taken 2 cycles of these, and she had been bed-ridden almost every day. I don’t want to lose hope, but I think I am :(. She has lost her hair; her skin tone has become darker. I feel bad to see her stand in front of the house, and watch the people going to church. My mom, she’s strong. She’s tough. She wants to get better. She went to shop last Saturday, pretending she’s fine. But she got so tired she slept the entire day and the next, and the next! And the worst part is, I don’t know what to do to be there for her. I would quit my responsibilities and studies for her, but she wouldn’t let me. She wants everyone to live a normal life. I have joined the campus hostel for a month now, since the road to my university is worst than ever. And I have to work harder in the lab. And I question myself over and over, what is the right thing to do? If anything happens to her, will I regret later? Or if I do well in my work, will that make her happier? You know, there was once a case when mom was to arrive home from the hospital after her operation, and that night, I had to go to church since there was a duty I had to fulfill. And ‘someone told someone’ what a shame it was for me to go to church while my mom is really sick. And it broke my heart! I thought I was doing the right thing. But now that I’ve come to think of it, maybe I should have been there.. Mom was perfectly fine with me going to church, she said she has the whole family to be there for her, but I don’t know, is this really the right thing to do? “The whole family is being there for her, but her only daughter is somewhere else”. I wanted to be there for her whenever she takes her chemotherapy; I know she feels at rest when I’m nearby, but since I had to be in the hostel, I’ve missed 2 cycles.

I know I’ve not been the best daughter, I really wish I could do more for her. This year, has not been an easy year for me. And I guess I’m like my mom, I like to pretend that everything’s alright when it’s not. I like to act happy when I’m hurting inside. I don’t want to show my weakness. There are times when I would just burst out and cry, asking God, why me, why me? But then, I think I got my answer while reading a line from the book The purpose driven life, “If you are facing trouble right now, don’t ask, “Why me?” Instead ask, “What do you want me to learn?” Then trust God and keep doing what’s right. Don’t give up—grow up!" Yes, it all comes down to only one point, that God is my only hope and I have to trust Him. But then, I still get weak! My mom, I love her. But maybe I don’t know how to show my love for her. Life—is so tough. I have to be strong…atleast for my mom…I have to be strong…




I hope you dance!

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May 19th 2011 12:30pm: We just found out that mom has breast cancer. She detected a lump on the right side last week, and underwent few tests. On Monday, results reported that it was not cancer. It was a relief for us. But today (Thursday), other tests proved that it is cancer.

She’s not home yet, still at the hospital with my brother and aunt to run some more tests…

At first, my mind went blank. I didn’t want to believe. I was doing laundry and was about to hang the clothes out in the sun, when I overheard my brother on the phone with my other brother asking “What? Cancer??”. I walked straight up to the terrace, did my thing, trying to take my mind away from the bad news. I came down, went to my room, played “I hope you dance” by Lee Ann Womack (which happens to be on my desktop because I downloaded the video just yesterday, and didn’t move it to the song folders yet) and started to cry.

I know I should be optimistic and everything, but these ugly thoughtless thoughts are creeping into my head right now! The thought of not having a mom.. God why is this happening? The thought of not having mom by my side on my wedding day, she wouldn’t be there to hold my children someday; the thought of explaining to my nieces and nephew that grandma would go to heaven soon. I went to the bathroom several times to wash my sloppy face. I went to see what dear old dad was doing; he had fallen asleep. The thought of dad who would sleep alone in their bed one day brought my tears back. I went to the kitchen, looked at the dining table, and again the thought of mom’s seat that would be empty someday made me cry. I opened my blog, read what I wrote for mom’s birthday last year “Mom’s 63rd birthday”, it made me happy to have written that post, because it is going to be a reminder for me every coming year now. I wish she’d live to see her 64th birthday this year, and next year, and the next and the next… Oh God, I’m literally crying and typing right now. Shucks!!

And so, they came home in the evening. She was showing her happy face. She knew I had been crying. I mean come’on! Who would not notice my red nose and sore eyes? My aunt (nutei) prayed. Later, cousin Maremi and Prissy’s family all came together, and we had a family prayer. Cousin read Philippians 4:4-7, which was very comforting. She believes that this cancer is clearly not going to kill her, but rather a wake-up call for all of us, to reach out to God. I believe that too! I’m going to do whatever I can to make mom happy. She’ll be undergoing an operation most probably by next week. So please please please remember my mom in your prayers.

Trust in the Lord for “His ways are different”.

Half a bottle of Rum left

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He woke up to the sound of her scream; it was four in the morning. He rushed to her bedside and found her shivering, scared and confused. He held her hand with tears in his eyes, “I don’t want you to die……….”

She had been drinking all her life, ended up in the hospital many a times. The doctor’s advice had always been the same – STOP DRINKING, YOUR LIFE IS IN DANGER. She tried. God knows how much she wanted to quit. She could stay sober if she wanted – yes, IF she wanted. However, she always failed quitting. It was killing her, literally.. but the invitation she gets is tempting, the sweet calls were always so hard to resist.

“Come with us, we miss spending time with you, if you don’t want to drink, that’s ok. We just need your company.”

Is’nt that sweet?

“I can just go with them if I want to, staying sober doesn’t mean I cannot socialize, I can do both!” was always her final decision.

There she goes again. “Just one sip would do me no harm”... The one sip turned to a glass or two, which quickly turned to a bottle or more. Finally, a few bottles she would take home and hide, so that she could proceed in his absence.

She continued day and night for the next few weeks until she lost her appetite. She could not eat. She could not sleep. Every time she got to her senses, she felt guilty and wanted to stop. But she couldn’t. She would rather feel nothing and stay drunk. She could not walk straight, she has no strength, her body is too weak. She was killing herself yet again.

That morning, she woke up from a bad dream, to find blood dripping from her ears and nose. Things were getting serious.

“Let me take you to the hospital”

“No”

“Do you want something to eat?”

“No”

“Do you want me to pray?”

“Hah! Forget about it! Don’t ever try to talk me into it.”

They stayed quiet for a moment. He kept praying inside, “Lord, Help me to help her.”

He asked her, “What’s your favourite verse from the Bible?”

With an irritated look , she replied “Oh please! I know what you are trying to do. I do not believe in God, and I do not have any favourite verse! Just stop whatever you are trying to do!”

He continued patiently, “Well, mine is Psalm 37:5, whenever I am down and in trouble, this verse gives me hope.”

There was silence for a while. She lit up the cigarette with her shaky hands and puffed it twice.

“Hey bro…” She suddenly muttered, “What’s that Bible verse we used to learn when we were kids? About God being our shepherd…?”

He ran to his bedside, grabbed his Bible, quickly returned beside her, turned to Psalm 23, and read it out for her. “The Lord is my Shepherd and I shall not want……” She listened to it till the end and told “My favourite, is the fourth verse.”

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me”

She is starting to reciprocate. All this is very new for both of them. This is the first time in three decades that they ever had a real brotherly-sisterly talk, and to talk about verses from the Bible? Very rare!

“Bro, are you afraid that I would die? You should know that I am not afraid.”

He could not control his tears. “My darling sister, I don’t want you to die, but most of all I don’t want you to die without your soul being saved. We all have to die one day, but if you are born again in Christ, we can be together in heaven. Ask Him for forgiveness. And for your faith to grow, you need to attend church services, pray and read the Bible.

She quickly argued. “Ok! I may believe in Jesus Christ, but I don’t see the point why we should go to church. All these so called church dignitaries such as KTP leaders, and the members, they are all fake. FAKE FAKE FAKE! They say they work for God, but I know so many of them doing ungodly things."

“Sis, it is not about them. It is between You and God. You have to be very clear about this. Don’t ever let anyone come in the way. On judgement day will you tell Jesus that you have not been good just because of this or that KTP leader? Is he or she worth an excuse? It is not for us to judge. The Lord will deal with them. Put your trust in God alone. I want you to read Micah 7 when you find time. You have to watch in hope for the Lord, you have to wait, He will hear you.”

She kept quiet, stubbed out her cigarette in the ashtray, took a deep breath and looked at him.

“How can I be born again in Christ? I am a sinner. I do things, which is bad for me. You know how much I want to quit drinking. I know its killing me, but the more I try to stay away, the harder it gets.”

“Sis, I know how much you want to quit. You can… not with your own will, but with Jesus as your strength, you can. He loves you no matter what you have done and He want to use you. All you need to do is pray and ask Him to forgive you. Surrender yourself to Him. It’s that easy.”

“But I don’t know how to pray. Will you help me?”

And so he prayed. She repeated after him. In the end, she prayed out by herself. “Lord, I have made a promise to You and I will keep it.”

She told him “There’s half a bottle of rum left lying under my bed, can you please throw it out for me?”

Was he glad! The Lord has answered their prayers at that instant!

Since then, she has kept herself away from alcohol, till today.

"Anything is possible, with God"





This year

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This year, God has placed me in a place so high that part of me wants to carry out my duty, but the other part knows it’s something I don’t deserve. I look at these people around me, and I see so many more capable and more reliable than me. I look at myself, I see nothing. I look at my past, and there’s nothing to be proud of. I’m just somebody with full of mistakes and regrets, I have said and done unnecessary things, I have not been the best daughter and sister to my family, not even the best friend to my best friend. I have not been there for those who needed me; I’m selfish, I’m proud. I have not been a good Christian, have not fulfilled my Christian duties; I don’t pray enough, I don’t read the Bible enough, and I don’t even attend church services regularly. I keep asking God “Why me, why have you chosen me? ".

The question still lingered as I set off to church last night. My folks were still having their dinner and if I had waited for the dishes to be done, I will have to miss the service. Sometimes, doing the dish is part of my excuse for not going to church (confessionJ). I sat there in the church surrounded by people of higher faith, people I look up to as my spiritual guides; I kept asking myself “Do I belong with them?” “Do I deserve to be sitting with these amazing God’s chosen people?” It was a farewell service for our outgoing missionaries, four very brave ladies from my church who had been walking in the dark and had worked for the Lord. Each of them gave a speech which happens to be the exact answer I longed for.

They talked about how tough life is out there. And that there are times they wish to suddenly pack and come home. But even at their lowest point of faith, they could make it through because God was always there for them. They said no matter how small we may feel, God can put us in the highest level if we are willing to give ourselves to Him. I saw how devoted they were. Even though they have risked their lives to spread the gospel, willing to lose every chance of safely being at home with their family and the community, I find them happy and content.

Then I asked myself, “How can I say no to God’s call? Why do I struggle so much to say yes? He hasn’t asked me to go out to barren lands or preach to the non-Christians. All He wants is for me to stay faithful to Him and do this very small task. He wants me to read the Bible and pray, go to church, be amongst the leader of those who already know Him...

Where?

HERE, at My place, at My church, with My family and My friends!

I have kept running away from God’s call you see. Year before last, I was appointed as a Sunday school teacher for small kids. I backed off saying that I’d be too busy with my research. Research of course, needs hard work and dedication. But till today, it’s one of the things that I regret. Sparing my time for others, for God, would have done me good.

God has blessed me with so many things in life. I have my parents with me till today, and my brothers who love me in every way. He has given me the perfect friends, the perfect family and the perfect guy to the imperfect me. What more could I ask for? I am in awe of His love and blessings. He still wants me to serve Him no matter how unfit I am. And the only thing I can do is say Yes to His call and dedicate my life to Him. Now I know that dinner can wait, dishes can wait, laundry can wait, research can wait! What’s important is to seek first His Kingdom. Because I know He will give me the rest.

Happy new year everyone! Have a Blessed 2011.

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