claire

“I miss my childhood, where the hardest decision was picking a crayon”.

I came across this line just when I was thinking about my childhood days, and man! How I miss those days. Looking at my nieces and how eager they want to grow up, reminds me of myself back then. How I wish I could tell them that childhood will be the best days of their lives.

Since all my brothers were schooled somewhere far from home, I was quite alone back then. I remember being a great fan of Mithun Chakraborty :-), and right after school, mom would rent a Mithun movie from the video parlour nearby, and I’d watch it after I had done my homework. “Disco dancer” was a hit that time (hehe). I wasn’t allowed much to play outside with my neighbours. Yeah.. being the one and only girl in the family isn’t so cool sometimes!

But when cousins Prissy and George visits during exam holidays, and when my brothers come home for the holidays, those were “the” best days. I could play outdoors. We’d climb the mango tree near my late uncle’s place, tell stories, chase after lizards and play in the mud. We’d steal and smoke my uncle’s mizo ciggy (vaihlozial) in the unused piggery nearby, that is, when we get lucky. Most of the time, we’d roll up some dry leaves on a paper and smoke (haha).

And sometimes we’d do a short play with my very talented cousin ‘U Nunpari’ where we would laugh our a** off. The story of the play was ‘on the spot’; I guess that’s why we liked it so much. My brother Sangtea was like the ‘boss’ for me, Prissy and George. Whatever he says, we’ll do it. That was the rule. We’d stay under the blanket, switch off all the lights, he’d hold a torchlight, and tell horror stories. And to scare us, he’d suddenly switch on the torch, right under his mouth with his tongue hanging out, and we would scream our lungs out. We knew he was gonna do that, but we would still scream any way :-)

And in the nights, when we pay a visit to my aunt’s place, we’d play while our mothers and aunts watch the great tv soap opera “Dynasty” with the other women-folk. And since we missed each other so much, we’d play a trick and pretend that we had slept off. If it was only mom, she’d let me sleep over. But if any of my brothers came along, they’d carry me home anyway, and I had to pretend that I was asleep throughout!

One winter, when my cousins came to pay a visit, I was so eager to play with them. But mom bathed me first, right after school. My nick was “Te-sawii” back then, all because I have a somewhat triangular shaped face I guess. I remember Mom saying while applying pure glycerine all over me, “As soon as you meet Prissy and George, tell them to call you Mimi instead of Te-sawii”. And ta da! I was called Mimi ever since, mostly by my mom’s side of the family. It’s Mami on dad’s side :-)

Sigh! I miss those days. To have no care in the world. To be so free. To have no worries. I hate growing up. I hate having responsibilities. I hate being scared of making the wrong decisions.

But, life goes on...

Today, was a good day :-)

Lately, I have been down. I try to find reasons why. I find faults in people around me. Sms jokes don’t make me laugh no more. Chatting doesn’t help either. I run out of words to say. I don’t find facebook that amusing anymore. Sometimes, the sound of my nieces playing and chattering makes me sick. I get angry for no reason. I try to blame it on any one who crosses my way. I don’t find myself doing any progressive work in my research. I procastinate too much. I feel so lazy. And I feel so fat too! But finally, I found out, that no one’s to blame, but me.

I went extra early to bed last night coz I didn’t feel like talking to anyone. But I woke up several times in the night. First time I woke up from a dream I could vaguely remember, it was just 23:00, not even my bed time!

This morning I was up by 5:30, just in time to attend the 6 am prayer in church. It sure feels good to pray for someone, rather than for yourself. Don’t gasp, or make any “how nice of you to go and pray” flattering comments! It’s just that, I need it. I need to pray. And I’m ever so lazy to pray alone, my mind usually wanders off to some other thoughts. And when I pray with the ones having more faith and dedication to God than me, I feel stronger in faith, and I can concentrate more. I’ve had this habit of attending such morning service since last April, whether I hit the sack late or not. But I guess winter cold and my warm bed made me skip for months.

Went home, and prepared breakfast. I usually rush on other days, but today, I was so early that I had at least an hour before getting myself ready for work. So, I switched on the treadmill, kept the speed control in “Fat burning zone” *grin* and walked for about 20 minutes. Every time mom passed me by, she was like “Don’t do it too much on the first day!” (haha..) Moms!! But I love her :-)

Went to work by my faithful scooty. I love speed. And today, I could speed up as much as I wanted, at the same time controlled the brakes on every curves. It feels good to pass another scooty with a higher cc than mine. And I drove passed a few :-). My brother said once I mastered driving a scooty, he’d teach me how to ride a bike. Can’t wait!

And at work, I could finally complete entering the data of my findings my supervisor has been telling me to do before he gets back. He has been away taking the students for a class trip, and will be back next week.

I came home. We have a new maid. She doesn’t speak Mizo, and I don’t speak Hindi :-) And so, my evening was cooking which included lots of action and the “thoda thoda” Hindi that I could speak (hehe). We both enjoyed laughing at what we were trying to say.

End of the day, here I am, feeling content. My mistake was, I looked for happiness in others. I waited for someone or something to make my day. Sure I’ve got friends and family, who cares for me. But I realized that I should not depend on anyone, or on anything, because such things have limits. And I’m one of those people, who get bored when things remain so constant. I guess I’ve found myself today. And I’m the only one responsible, for my failure or success; my sadness or happiness.

I’m my best friend, and I’m my worst enemy