claire

a disclosure

My God is in no hurry

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"I may be in a hurry to complete my research, but my God is in no hurry to mold me."

The 'never thought of' words that came right out of my mouth while I was leading the church service this morning.

I came to IITG last December, in a hope to complete my unfinished experiments within six months. But then, things aren't easy as it seems. Going to lab everyday, which sometimes include Sundays, doesn't really pay off, for now. Three of my batch-mates in Mizoram University have already submitted their thesis within four years, and one will be having a pre-submission soon. And I'm still stuck out here, trying all kinds of protocol in developing a Transgenic plant. I'm not getting the expected results and things are getting stressful, and tensions are high. Sometimes I just want to give up and go home. Mom is sick, she needs me. My aunt and uncle needs to be taken care of, Dad is getting old, he'll be eighty in another six years and I feel responsible to be there for them.

Then God spoke to me one night, through His words while we were having our daily prayer meeting in the hostel. Habakkuk 3:17-19


Yes, with just these three verses, my perspective changed and my optimism rebuilt itself. I look back the life spent here, and there never was a day that I regret. 

When I came here for the first time, I didn't know any one. I met my first friend Onisha on day one. She willingly allowed me to stay in her room since it took time to get a room of my own. We stayed together for about a month. She happened to be a Christian, and I started joining their prayer group. We meet every night to pray, and on every Tuesday night, we have a Bible study with Madam Josephine (one of the Professors' wife in IIT). Frankly, in the beginning, I wasn't much into these meetings. All I wanted was to complete my research and leave. But then, God has other plans for me, which I now realize. I have been so blessed with all the prayer meetings and the bible studies. And I have also learned so much from the church I attend, which is Saraighat Community Church (SCC). All the gatherings and sermons and worships have spoken to me one way or the other and I can slowly feel a change in me. If you must be wondering, we do have a Mizo Church, which is one and half hour away from the campus, and it includes morning Sunday schools, afternoon Sermon and evening Youth gathering (KTP). Since I sometimes have lab-work on Sundays, I hardly go there. Well, to me, every church is free for Christians, after all we worship the same God.

And so, I was mentioning about me leading the church service this morning. This is a true testimony for the change in me that I have been talking about. My friends at home will know how much I stammer and shake, when I stand in front of people. My voice trembles and I go tongue tight. But leading the church today, which is by the way, my second time to lead in SCC, I had that inner confidence. I could speak out the things I wanted to say, and everything went so smooth. 

I am in my fourth year of research, but my labmates here are in their fifth and sixth years. The amount of work they do is definitely incomparable to the amount of work we do in my University. The standards are too different. And so, I say to myself, I will have at least a thesis which will be close to their standard, and by the time I have my results, I hope to be a better person, professionally and spiritually. God has placed me here for a purpose and He has written my life way before I was born. He will take care of my family, I need not worry.

So, I gladly say again

"I may be in a hurry to complete my research, but my God is in no hurry to mold me."












My Happily Ever After

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And they lived happily ever after... Sigh! Growing up with fairy tales like Cinderella, Rapunzel and Snow White.. we always want that Prince charming to come rescue us some day, so that we can live happily ever after. The difference between fairy tales and reality lies on the idea of "Happily ever after". In this post, I want to share my idea.

Happiness is not when you get introduced to a random guy who earn lots of money. For as long as I can remember, family and friends have been talking to me about when I should get married and to whom. And the conversation always starts with "Why don't you like that guy, he's a Doctor, give him a chance", or "Why not this guy? He's an Officer" or "That person, he's an assistant Professor". Come'on !! Give me a break! I know this all comes from the heart, and you want a stable future for me, and want me to be "happy", but will I be happy if that Doctor/Officer cheats on me every time? I got in touch with my long lost friend few days ago, and she excitedly asked me "Do you have a boyfriend? Someone wants to know, and he's an Officer". I could have answered her straight away, but when she added "He's an Officer", it kinda made me want to ignore the question. She said "He really likes you." But after coming to know his name, he was the guy who had hit on my friend some few months back, and she didn't like him (haha). Its a small world, too bad. And I don't believe that he really did like me, he's just one of those guys setting a trap all around, so that if one girl refuses him, he'd go to the next. Uff! Guys these days!

My idea of Happily Ever After, is this..


When I was in Chennai, we used to attend the church service which was pretty far from where we stayed. So we would just take an Autorickshaw, after wasting 5 minutes of bargaining. And one day, after church, while we were raising our hands to catch a rickshaw, a scene caught my eye. It was the Pastor's family. Him, his wife and their two small kids hurriedly rushed into a city bus, and they did not even get a seat, they were standing and laughing, happy to be able to catch the bus in time.

I said to myself  "That is what I want". What do I want? I want to be simple and happy. I don't want fancy cars and branded clothes. I want love and honesty. I want compatibility. I want laughter and joy. I want a trusting relationship.

Last Sunday, a couple presented a song, the husband played the guitar and called his wife up, and asked her to pick any song she wants. It was one of the most beautiful presentation I've ever seen. No they did not put on any costume, nor did they practice the song before. They have a normal good voice. But what made me almost shed a tear, was the happiness I saw shining between them.

And I said to myself again "That is what I want". What do I want? I want a happy married life. I want to praise God with my hubby. This doesn't mean he has to know how to play guitar or know how to sing. It simply means, that we should be in harmony so that we can serve the Lord in any way we can. Be it singing, or distributing Bible verses, or attending church together.

People these days, have been so distracted with money and high living, that they tend to forget the real source of happiness. "Money doesn't buy you happiness", we all know and we should remind ourselves more often. So please don't come and try to introduce me to a guy earning millions. God has planned one for me, and He will let me know, at the right time.

After-all, I want to live my Happily Ever After :-)








The only one

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Since birth, I have been so accustomed to having "The only" title, be it in the family or in college. I was born being the only daughter to my parents and the only sister to my brothers, and so, the only girl in the family, until 10 years back, I lost that only girl title when my first niece was born. She somehow occupied my place. But then, I became the only aunt to my nieces and nephew. 

I entered college and I became the only Mizo and the only Christian in my class, and I guess this is going to last as far as my academic life is concerned. I have to mingle with my non-Mizo friends, where I have to be with them trying to understand what they are talking about while they converse in Kannada, Tamil, and now Hindi, and there are many times I go "Duh" because if they forget to explain things to me in English, I lose track of whats happening around me. 

Well, coming to the point, having "the only" title isn't easy. Your responsibility becomes big.
For instance, had I not been the only daughter and sister to my family, I would have married a guy of my choice 10 years ago and lived happily ever after (hehe). On a serious note, the expectations that comes from the family becomes high, and its tough trying to fulfill them sometimes. 

And then being the only Mizo is one big reputation I have to keep. If I do anything wrong or right, people will assume "Oh, thats what Mizos' do". Few days back, my lab-mates showed me a picture uploaded on facebook of Mizo guys killing and roasting a dog, blood spilled all over, with comments like "How can they do this to dogs?" "So cruel" and they asked me "Do you also eat dog meat?" I have to stand there defending my own, telling them that I don't eat dog meat, and its only some of the people, not all of us. As a matter of fact, a picture of any animal, being slaughtered isn't a pretty sight to see. I was there to tell them about it, so that they don't get wrong ideas of my people. But yeah, my ancestors were head hunters, which means we can be mean if we want to, so beware though (:P) 

Being the only Christian (in lab/class), I have to be extra careful in everything I do. "Practicing what you preach" becomes a priority, when you stay among non-believers. Things which may seem a minor issue to some people, like returning that extra 10rs when the salesman makes a mistake in giving you your change, or paying that 2rs (only) balance you owed to the tea stall guy yesterday, becomes means of showing who you are and what you learn from the Bible. You have to keep in mind that, people are watching, and you have to be on guard. And you can actually preach the gospel with your deeds.

Uncle Ben said (In Spider -Man), "With great power comes great responsibility"
Mimi says (In her blog) - "Being the only one brings in great responsibility" :D

Report on 12w challenge - the graph is horizontal :-)

 Here's sharing Adele's "One and only" (not much related to the post though)


The Honest Wedding

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I've had a very sleepless night. I went to bed at 3, and I woke up every hour with all kinds of thoughts running in my head. Then, I got a text from one of my very very close friend in the morning, she's getting married!! Yay. She mentioned very clearly that it is going to be a 2nd degree wedding, not because she's pregnant, and not because they've eloped. She said "We did something that God didn't allow". I replied right away, "I'm so proud of your honesty". I tried to go back to sleep, but I couldn't. With the very active mind that had been thinking all night, my thoughts continued to wander on the hottest topic a girl always like to talk about - Weddings. 

Kate Hudson, one of my fav actress, from the movie Bride Wars
According to my church, couples who had slept together before marriage, cannot get married in church. They have to choose some place else. And I remember when we were small, the brides were not even allowed to wear a white dress, they are not allowed to have a white wedding, 'White' which stands for 'Purity' I guess. One of my cousins wore a yellow gown (:D).

So it has become every girl's dream  every Mizo girl's dream to have a White wedding, to get married in a church wearing a beautiful dress. This has been an influence from the Western culture. We have been influenced so much with the Western world that, some of us take sex so casually, which creates a clash between a girl's dream of white wedding and the rule of not allowing to have one, if you had slept with your hubby-to-be. The thing with Western people is that, they do all these stuffs, but finally when they've made their choice of marriage, they still get to have a white wedding, which is not possible for us. Now, that's when the test of honesty comes. 

Some couples cannot hide their little secret, because the girl becomes pregnant, I'm not going to talk about them. And I don't want to talk about the couples who got married with a secret and still get to have a White wedding, because whats done is done, they've made their choices. What I do want to talk about is, the couples who are yet to get married. With us being Christians, and many of us having titles in church and society, we tend to hide what has happened, afraid to stand up and confess our mistakes. And I've seen lovers breaking their relationship, just because they've done the un-permitted, and since they cannot reveal the truth to their parents and especially to the church, they choose to break up after all the "I love you's" and the "I want to live with you forever". Really? Tell me, where is the love??

Once, there were two lovers, and the girl got pregnant. She confessed before God, but the guy did not want to accept the child. He is the son of a church elder. He had asked her to undergo abortion, but she didn't. She had a son, on her own, and their son has all the features of his dad. The dad got married after many years to another girl, a white wedding of course, but till today, the wife cannot conceive. I'm not going to preach about what people should do, but we should all know, we have a creator up there, from whom we cannot hide, He sees us, and some day, one way or the other, He is going to act according to our behavior.

I don't want this post to be an encouragement to the young boys and girls to sleep with anyone they want. Get married a virgin. That's the best and that's what God wants. But to those who don't qualify to this, you should know it's not the end of the world. We are human, we make mistakes, we get cheated with our emotions. Nobody's perfect. With all the wrong paths that you have walked upon, you can make an U-turn and start walking the right path. Just be honest to God and He will forgive you. Forget about the glamorous white wedding and the titles you have in church, forget about the people who will talk about you because you had made a mistake. Like my friend here, she said her mom's really hurt, and she's going to be more ashamed when the church restricts her from attending important services for some months, after they get informed (Its a must that one should inform the church). I wish the best for them, and I'm 100 percent sure, that God will bless them for their honesty. And though I haven't met her fiance, I can tell that he's very bold and I'm happy my friend is marrying him. I wonder how many guys out there are as bold as him, a guy who isn't afraid to stand up for the truth. We say we hate corruptions, we hate lies, I wonder how many of us are planning to start a family with a lie.

Be brave, be honest. Let your dreams of having a white wedding be flexible, if its going to cost you your honesty. Aim for the more respected "Honest wedding".







Of death

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Of all the things we hear in our busy lives, death is something which always makes us pause and it takes that part of your thought away, for a moment, to quietly grief for the loss of a precious life. When you hear of someone's demise, it grabs you at the core of your heart. It could be someone you know, or a relative of a known person, or could be a tragic accident, like MST bus accident or the Twin tower attack, where that many people died, and you still grief for them, even if they are people you haven't met. If its someone you know, you start to think of the loved ones they've left behind, the life they led, you try to remember the last time you saw them or the last time you spoke. It could be a year back, or yesterday, or just today.

Mom called me up today, to break a shocking news. "U Mazualtei passed away this morning". "How is that possible?" I asked, she's just 40 and I didn't even know she was sick. Mom continued "She has been hospitalized and was in the ICU for some time, she died of brain TB". My heart broke. The first question that pops out in my mind was "Why her?". She's my cousin's wife, my cousin who had died of brain tumor few years back. And they have two kids, just teenagers, just so young. The thought of them growing up without parents pierced me. They are still too small, still too fragile. The news made me think about so many things, about life and how unpredictable we are.

I take a look at myself. God gave me parents till today, and yet I find reasons not to be content. Then I think of them, the many times they will question 'Why' to people, to God, and the very thought of them not receiving a satisfying answer breaks my heart more. The only answer would probably be "Only God knows why". They will watch their friends grow up with parents, there will be a day they see others wishing their own on Father's day and Mother's day, and they will question "Where is mine?" A day they will get into fights in schools and colleges, and doubts in their love lives, they will need some one to be on their side. I am asking the same thing they'd be asking, "God, Is it not enough that you've taken their father? Why the mother too?!" Even though they've got us aunts and uncles all over, we will never be able to replace their parent's place. Life is so unfair some times, but God knows what He's doing. Its just so hard to understand His plans.

I remember when my uncle (mom's bro) passed away a long time ago, niece and blogger Amelia was still in her diapers, 2 years old I think. After the funeral, the little one was staring at the sky for a long time, and finally shouted "A pu Hu" (Grandpa). That made uncle's wife very happy, she felt assured that he has gone to heaven and it was one of the things she spoke most about later in life. So the brighter side is, this place is just temporary and we will all go to reunite in heaven one day.

Some people die with long term diseases, and some lives are taken at the blink of an eye. The fact is, we are all going to die one day, with or without sickness. Where will you go after that? That depends on you, and how you've lived your life. The other question is, have you told someone how you feel about them? Have you shown your love to some one? I've realized lately, that talking about how good a person was, after they have gone doesn't really make sense. We should be able to tell them when they are alive. Telling some one how happy you are to have them in your life, "face to face" is something very difficult for me. But thanks to technology, I can at least tell my parents or brothers how much I love them by typing it out. 3rd Oct was my 2nd brother's birthday, I wished him and he replied "Good to have a great sis", something he wouldn't have told face to face, and it made me glad to know how he feels. Life is too short to hold your feelings. Let it out before its too late.

Leaving you with one of my favorite song - Temporary home by Carrie Underwood.

This is my temporary home, it's not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I'm passing through
This is just a stop on the way to where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know
This is my temporary home








Mom's 65th birthday

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Happy Birthday Mom! 
Me and Mom on my 3rd Brother's wedding, March 2012 (She is wearing a wig due to her chemo treatment)

She has turned 65 and I am overwhelmed with joy right now. We spoke for half an hour, and I'm just so happy to hear her laughter over the other end of the line. She had so much to say. Our conversation wouldn't have ended if cousin Maremi had not paid a visit to wish her. But I can call her up again, maybe some time in the night.

Looking back at my older posts, I noticed I have mentioned mom in most of my updates, and I have four posts dedicated especially for her (click on links to read the post)

4) SHE

Growing up with some one like my mom, was no doubt quite difficult some times. Because she is organized, disciplined, strict and stern, and very very hardworking. She's the kind of person who cannot simply sit and allow the spider to weave its cobwebs. The kind of person who just doesn't sleep during the day, because of a previous sleepless night. The kind who scolds you when she's mad, but then she doesn't hold grudges on any one.The kind of person who arranges the closet with neatly folded clothes, and who arranges her money to face the exact same side inside her purse (I've inherited this from her). 

People who are lazy and carefree don't usually enter mom's good book. And I'm one of them (:D). Teenage years was the hardest. That time your on the phone with a friend for about an hour, and she comes and tells you to hang up. And that time when a friend is celebrating a birthday, and she tells you to get home before dark. That time you didn't go home before dark, and she starts calling every house of your friends and startle their parents. That time when you're having a good time at a friend's place, the phone rings, and every one guesses "It's probably Mimi's Mom". That embarrassing time your guy friend (having pierced ears) visits you, and she asks "Whose son are you?" with THAT look on her face. That time when every girl was wearing dresses designed in the latest fashion, but she designs yours for you, and you have to wear it without complaining. You can complain, but the thing is, the design remains the same (hehe).

I wanted a sister so much back then, so that we can at least share our worries. As I slowly start growing, I've come to realize that mom is the only best friend I'll ever have. She'll tell me things to do, scold me when I go wrong, after all, she's my mom, and its her job. Mom got married at an early age, and she did not complete her matriculation (Early marriage was a tradition back then I guess). When I passed my Class 10 board exam, she prayed with tears of joy during our family prayer. I won't forget that prayer. She used to say, "I may not have completed my matric exam, but according to my kids, I have passed six times!". Yes, mom was always there for us. She would stay awake as long as we study, prepare maggi or egg for us, sometimes milk with honey. Till middle school, she would sit with me while studying, and prepare questions so that I could self-test myself after every chapter.

I did not get her a gift this time. Last year I managed to give her a touchscreen phone, and you know, mom catches up so fast, she can use her touchscreen phone, send sms and make calls at the age beyond 60. Amazing right? That's my Mom, and I'm proud of her :-) This year, I'm broke (:D). Maybe I'll call her again, and again. After all, gift is not what that matters, its the love we have and the way we show it to some one, that really matters. I'm just so thankful to God, for giving me a Mom like her.

(A little update on the 12w challenge)

Progress? No :P
But I'm hanging on, I'm trying. I'll try harder, as a birthday gift for mom :-)

Good day Y'all !!














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