This year, God has placed me in a place so high that part of me wants to carry out my duty, but the other part knows it’s something I don’t deserve. I look at these people around me, and I see so many more capable and more reliable than me. I look at myself, I see nothing. I look at my past, and there’s nothing to be proud of. I’m just somebody with full of mistakes and regrets, I have said and done unnecessary things, I have not been the best daughter and sister to my family, not even the best friend to my best friend. I have not been there for those who needed me; I’m selfish, I’m proud. I have not been a good Christian, have not fulfilled my Christian duties; I don’t pray enough, I don’t read the Bible enough, and I don’t even attend church services regularly. I keep asking God “Why me, why have you chosen me? ".
The question still lingered as I set off to church last night. My folks were still having their dinner and if I had waited for the dishes to be done, I will have to miss the service. Sometimes, doing the dish is part of my excuse for not going to church (confessionJ). I sat there in the church surrounded by people of higher faith, people I look up to as my spiritual guides; I kept asking myself “Do I belong with them?” “Do I deserve to be sitting with these amazing God’s chosen people?” It was a farewell service for our outgoing missionaries, four very brave ladies from my church who had been walking in the dark and had worked for the Lord. Each of them gave a speech which happens to be the exact answer I longed for.
They talked about how tough life is out there. And that there are times they wish to suddenly pack and come home. But even at their lowest point of faith, they could make it through because God was always there for them. They said no matter how small we may feel, God can put us in the highest level if we are willing to give ourselves to Him. I saw how devoted they were. Even though they have risked their lives to spread the gospel, willing to lose every chance of safely being at home with their family and the community, I find them happy and content.
Then I asked myself, “How can I say no to God’s call? Why do I struggle so much to say yes? He hasn’t asked me to go out to barren lands or preach to the non-Christians. All He wants is for me to stay faithful to Him and do this very small task. He wants me to read the Bible and pray, go to church, be amongst the leader of those who already know Him...
Where?
HERE, at My place, at My church, with My family and My friends!
I have kept running away from God’s call you see. Year before last, I was appointed as a Sunday school teacher for small kids. I backed off saying that I’d be too busy with my research. Research of course, needs hard work and dedication. But till today, it’s one of the things that I regret. Sparing my time for others, for God, would have done me good.
God has blessed me with so many things in life. I have my parents with me till today, and my brothers who love me in every way. He has given me the perfect friends, the perfect family and the perfect guy to the imperfect me. What more could I ask for? I am in awe of His love and blessings. He still wants me to serve Him no matter how unfit I am. And the only thing I can do is say Yes to His call and dedicate my life to Him. Now I know that dinner can wait, dishes can wait, laundry can wait, research can wait! What’s important is to seek first His Kingdom. Because I know He will give me the rest.
Happy new year everyone! Have a Blessed 2011.